“Where Did The Jokes Go?? Add / Read Funny Jokes Here!”

Please Move The Deer Crossing ....

Frozen?

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 mins later:

"Computer completely f'd now.

LOOLLL

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man,so he hired the famous Chinese detective,Chen Lee,to watch and report any activities while he was gone.

A few days later.he received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR:

YOU LEAVE HOUSE,I WATCH

HE COME TO HOUSE.

I WATCH HOUSE.

HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE.

I FOLLOW.

HE AND SHE GO TO HOTEL.

I FOLLOW.

I CLIMB TREE.

I LOOK IN WINDOW.

HE KISS SHE.SHE KISS HE.HE STRIP SHE.SHE STRIP HE.

HE PLAY WITH SHE.SHE PLAY WITH HE.I PLAY WITH ME.

I FALL OFF TREE.

I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,

CHEN LEE.

Compliment your wife

My wife was standing in front of the mirror in the bathroom the other night looking at herself. After a while, she said " I am ugly, old, and fat. I need you to give me a compliment.

I looked at her and after a moment said "Your eyesight is dam near perfect"

Last one for now lol

Cheers

Viper1

Mustang Cobra Jet dragster pops impressive wheelie - FAIL

Love Fridays!

Life moves on.

Precision parking demonstration

http://www.reddit.com/r/ProtectAndServe ... [quote]How our dispatch receives most of these calls:

"_____ Police, Dispatcher Soandso."

"Haay there a drunk guy in a red car he goin north on broadway he drunk he almos hit ma car you gotta get him he in a blue car"

"Uhh, ma'am can you give me a better descrip..." CLICK

• All units, ATL for a possible 10-57 driver, last seen northbound on broadway. Complainant described vehicle as...as...red. Possibly blue. -

5 MINUTES LATER

"_____ Police, Dispatcher Soandso."

" WHY AINT YALL CATCH THAT CAR YALL WORTHLESS I CALLED YOU AND TOLD YOU AND YOU AINT DONE *EDIT* I JUST SEENT IT AGAIN YALL SUCK. " CLICK[/quote]

puzzled wrote:A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,

"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down

on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.

And see this thing? This steers it."

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I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know

the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be

out that long..."

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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you

see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

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I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get

pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it

clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

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The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in

their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,

then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a

woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.

The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

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My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 100 km/h

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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm

the only one moving.

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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

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I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...

"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me.

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I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You

couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered

French Toast during the Renaissance.

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I was in a job interview to be a cop and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've

forgotten this before

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It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay

right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

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Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

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I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."

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My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well,

to make a long story short ...

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I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill,

"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

thanks Steven