“Where Did The Jokes Go?? Add / Read Funny Jokes Here!”

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.

"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A man is giving evidence in court and the defendant's barrister asks him

"How far from the accident were you when it happened?"

He replied

"36 feet, 2 and a quarter inches"

"Nonsence, how can you be so precise?"

"Well, I knew some bloody fool would ask me, so I measured it!"

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, daddy."

He replied, "How'd you know?"

The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'A-HOLE!' afterwards!"

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, officer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

Were you saving those up..........

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?

A: Be too s**t faced to find your keys.

Classic........lmao

I had to repost the trunk monkey ads

This is a true story froma family freind. They know a owner of a Lambourghini.

He gets pulled over on the 407 here is how the conversation goes.

Officer: Sir you dont have a front license plate.

Driver: Yes i am aware

Officer: I see you have received tickets for this before.

Driver: No kidding this car cost me alot i dont want to damage it.

Officer: It's still the law why do you refuse to put it on

(heres where it gets good)

Driver: Well you see it starts to rattle at 250 km/hr then it makes noise and chips the paint.

Officer: Shakes his head

Driver: Also it leaves you with something less to point one of those guns at.

Anyways the officer writes him his ticket for not having the license plate. He then tells the driver if he ever caught him going 250 that he would have no problem impounding his car. I forget the guy made a funny joke at the end and the officer said when his car is stopped on the side of the road and getting towed he can put a plate on cause it can't rattle when its parked in the OPP impound lot. OUCH!

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said,

"See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down

on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off.

And see this thing? This steers it."

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I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know

the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be

out that long..."

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One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you

see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

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I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get

pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it

clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."

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The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in

their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

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When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,

then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

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Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a

woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

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One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face.

The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

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My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 100 km/h

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I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

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I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm

the only one moving.

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I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

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I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...

"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me.

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I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You

couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered

French Toast during the Renaissance.

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I was in a job interview to be a cop and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

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My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've

forgotten this before

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It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay

right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

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Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

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I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?" I said, "You started this."

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My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well,

to make a long story short ...

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I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill,

"I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."

Subject: POLICE HARASSING PEOPLE

Recently, the Toronto Police Services board ran an e-mail forum (a question and answer exchange with the topic being "Community Policing.")

One of the civilian email participants posed the following question: "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people and get away with it?"

From the "other side" (the law enforcement side) Sgt Berezowski a cop with a sense of humor (or reality) replied:

"First of all, let me tell you this...it's not easy. In Toronto we average one cop for every 600 people. Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty (or what you might refer to as "patrol") where

we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents. And at any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty. So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents.

When you toss in the commercial, business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day. Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a donut AND then find a

new person to harass. This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring. What we do is utilize some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follows:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbor is beating his wife" is a code phrase we often use. This means we'll come out and give some special harassment. Another popular one is, "There's a guy breaking into a house" or "So and so has a grow cop." The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no drivers licence and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, are drunk, or have a warrant.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours.

STATUTES: When we don't have PHONE or CARS and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Statutes"; Criminal Codes, Motor

Vehicle, Liquor Act, etc... They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you read the statute, you can just drive around for awhile until you find someone violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy smash a car window. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It is a really cool system that we have set up, and it works pretty well.

I seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good citizens who pay the tab, we keep the streets safe for them. Next time you are in my

town, give me a single finger wave. That's another code word.

This is alarming

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results

of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain

Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

bu-dum-ching

This is the Best. Story. Ever!

Check this video out...its amazing what you can do with a computer and some extra time on your hands!